I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
