the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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