i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
