u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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