I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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