Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
