70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Found the puke drawer
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
