i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He has the fingertips of a God
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