There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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