Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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