I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
