My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
