It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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