You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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