Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
