how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
