he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
