I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
