If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
