My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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