I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
