Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
