Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
