I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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