You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
pray to the hookup gods
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
