I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
