I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
