Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
