When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
