Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
