I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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