Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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