My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sext me about skeletons
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
