Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
