I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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