my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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