put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
