Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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