i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
