I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
