I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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