Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
