Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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