This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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