and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
