Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
