after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
