My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
