hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
