just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
